You were home but I was just another house guest
Umpteenth times I thought to call it quits, 10 times I wrote it out , 6 times I asked to just be friends, 1 time I asked to be casual.
Umpteenth times the thought scared me , 10 times I never showed the letters, 6 times I never meant to just be friends and 1 time I didn’t want to be casual .
Yet in all these times certain things remained constant, not wanting to lose you and the hurt both growing exponentially.
So I used all my avenues,carefully choosing my words, whether I typed ,wrote or left my comfort zone and spoke, I guess what you didn’t know was as much as you disliked such conversations I detested them more because they gave front row seats to my anxieties and insecurities.
Many times I asked that you try to see me, many times I asked that you hear me, many times I begged that you show me because although I love the power of words I believed more in the surety that came with actions. I’m not good with numbers except on the days you asked me to count but I’m fluent in connotation and denotation of art and I found art in us. Actions would come easy if you saw and heard me and that could only happen if I in anyway was love to you.
I think you had no intentions of loving me but maybe along the line I caught on to you and Cupid decided to be merciful enough to graze your arms with his arrow but for me he shot two,one to my head and the other to my heart and while you can recover from the graze on your arm I wasn’t shown such mercy.
For a split second, I did feel a tad bit of what your love could be and I got addicted
I guess that answers my question: why do I hold on to you when you could spare me no glance ? In the game of love one has to be the joker,(the fool) and truth is the onus lies on the one who falls the hardest. So, to answer my question I was your joker.
Yet still I have so many questions… my mind after you has been a turbulent sea .
How is it so easy to discard us?
Did I walk the mile alone this whole time?
Was I just a convenience, to help you forget or relive. the joys you felt before?
It makes me wonder,
Was your love was based on conditionalities???
To some extent I’m made to believe that it was because you were a man in search for peace and happiness and in me you found an ounce of that, you tapped into and it could have stayed that way but like Oliver twist I asked for more and wanted the same because I believe in reciprocity but with that came a conflict of interest because truth is I was supposed to be low maintenance.
How do you mourn what’s not dead?
Yet everyday I mourned your loss, for all I had was borrowed time and every second spent with you echoed my impended doom. I guess I’ve learnt the hard way that I’ve never been the one, never was and never will…I’m not the one who got away but rather the temporary fix, good enough for a good time but never worth the effort and long ride.
Not all lessons are taught in classes and you did teach me a thing or two. You were my karma for sins I do not know of ,sins in my past life and that of my father. I asked that you see me , hear me and show me, and maybe I was in denial but you did …in more ways than one you did show me I was merely a flicker of dust in your eyes, easily forgettable, unpardonable and guilty of crimes that bear names other than mine. Maybe I’m guilty as charged, maybe I’m not as blameless as I think …Blind faith and hope when I knew the odds were against me.
If i’m being honest with myself ,
Which is something I’m making a conscious effort to keep doing . It makes me tremble thinking of a life where I don’t get to speak to you, A life without your jokes, A life where you become a “what if”, a “maybe”“ a distant memory”.
I’ll always love you; always hold space for you.
Even now parts of me don’t want to accept this vast ocean separating us. I’m tipped off balance and in a state of constant dilemma and uncertainty.
Do I follow the blueprint of inventors to bridge the gap between questions and answers ?
Do I give in to my need ?
Or let it slip away with time ?
My heart aches and burns with the fury from the 7 hells but you’re a cold touch to my raging furnace.
Our foundation was built on sinking sands,that rarely ever leaves anything to save. I’m forced to let you go but at least I can hold on to the memories of you. Both the beautiful and ugly. Fortunately, there will be a place where our story has no end, a place where I get to choose to replay our story over and over again, the only time you’d ever be mine to claim.
I still get to say thank you.
In you I found my muse.
